


Belief

by phoenixzeal



Series: Dreamverse [3]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post Reichenbach, Spoilers for Series 2
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-02
Updated: 2012-06-02
Packaged: 2017-11-06 15:12:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/420278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phoenixzeal/pseuds/phoenixzeal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>John rises from the bed and switches off the lights on his way out. He returns to the sofa and sits down, running a hand over his face. This isn’t what he’d expected to happen. He isn’t stupid, no matter what Sherlock says. A doctor can’t afford to be stupid.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Belief

**Author's Note:**

> Also posted at [livejournal](http://crimsontaboo.livejournal.com/56235.html).
> 
> I don't have a beta or a Britpicker. Apologies for any mistakes.

John is stretched out on the sofa, reading a book when Sherlock stumbles through the door. Sherlock is thinner than ever. He’s wearing dirty clothes and a large hat covers most of his features. He sways and looks at John with an expression that would be comical, if it wasn’t for the fact that it looks like he’ll fall over at any second. 

“John, you must have fallen asleep while reading,” Sherlock says, blinking rapidly. 

John puts away his book and is at Sherlock’s side in a flash. He makes Sherlock place his arm around his shoulders and then places his arm around Sherlock’s waist.

“Yeah, I must have,” John says when he’s certain that Sherlock won’t collapse to the floor. “Christ, Sherlock, you look like death.” He winces at his own choice of words. “How long has it been since you’ve eaten?”

“Oh, I don’t know. A few days? It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters because you’re just as human as the rest of us, no matter how much you try to escape from it.”

“Dull.” Sherlock sneers but he leans against John a bit more heavily. 

“Right, you’re going to eat something now,” John says and tries to steer Sherlock towards the kitchen. 

“No,” Sherlock says quickly and struggles against him. “No, I can’t eat right now. I just need some sleep.”

John frowns and is about to protest – Sherlock really needs to eat something – but hearing Sherlock admit that he needs sleep is a rare thing. Sherlock does have dark circles around his eyes and they don’t look as sharp and calculating as they normally do. Perhaps he really wouldn’t be able to eat even if he tried, not while he’s this tired. 

“All right then, let’s get you to bed.”

John helps Sherlock to the bedroom upstairs. The sheets on Sherlock’s bed haven’t been changed. In fact, nothing in his room has been touched since his fall almost two years ago. It’s better if he sleeps in John’s bed for now. John helps Sherlock out of the dirty clothes, so very unlike the suits he used to wear. Sherlock practically collapses onto John’s bed and allows himself to be tucked in. John sits at the edge of the bed, looking at Sherlock’s worn features and wonders what he has been up to. 

“Good night, Sherlock,” John mumbles even though Sherlock is already asleep. 

John rises from the bed and switches off the lights on his way out. He returns to the sofa and sits down, running a hand over his face. This isn’t what he’d expected to happen. He isn’t stupid, no matter what Sherlock says. A doctor can’t afford to be stupid. 

It took him a bit of time to figure it out but after that second “dream” it was quite clear. They weren’t dreams at all. Maybe he had been slow to realise but to his defence, he saw Sherlock jump and saw him dead on the ground. Of course he never expected for Sherlock to return in the middle of the night and convince him that he was dreaming. 

John wants to be angry. He was angry once he realised but now he doesn’t know what to think. He’s not about to go back to his bedroom and shout at Sherlock, not while Sherlock is in such a state. 

At first John had thought that it might be some sort of experiment. Fake your death and then check to see how it affects those around you. He knows that Sherlock wouldn’t be that cruel, though, and now it’s evident that he’s not exactly having a good time either. There has to be some good reason as to why he has to pretend he’s dead and John is going to trust him. That doesn’t mean that he’s not upset and angry about everything. 

John sighs and buries his face in his hands. All this time grieving someone who isn’t actually dead. Does someone else know? Sherlock is brilliant but even he must have had help with such an elaborate stunt. What if everyone knew from the start except for John? No, he doesn’t think so. 

Something that he does know is that he’s confessed his love for Sherlock to the man in question. He’ll never be able to live this down. It didn’t seem like Sherlock had minded, though, and he had initiated their first kiss. 

When Sherlock is finished with whatever it is he has to do and comes back, will he still want it then? Perhaps it’s just for a bit of comfort. Sherlock might just miss him and confuses the feelings with something else, because sentiment isn’t exactly his strong suit. Once he’s back he’ll realise that it’s a waste of time. 

John isn’t entirely sure that he wants to pursue a romantic relationship with Sherlock. It’s easy to say that you love someone in dreams and snog them a bit, but when those dreams turn out to be reality, it’s entirely different. Dreams are easy, reality is not. 

John very much liked the life that he shared with Sherlock before. Adding something new to that might make it topple over. Sherlock doesn’t want John to know that he’s alive. That means that he never wants him to find out that the dreams are actually reality. Then why did Sherlock visit him in the first place? He obviously cares, just not enough to tell the truth. 

“There must be a reason,” John mutters to himself and digs the heels of his hands into his eyes. “He’d tell me if he could.”

Though Sherlock is the same man who put what he believed to be drugged sugar into John’s coffee. He is a master of manipulating people into giving him what he needs. John also knows that Sherlock can be a good man and he knows that their friendship is real. He gets to see sides of Sherlock that nobody else does. He believes in Sherlock Holmes, he really does. 

Despite that, he’s still confused and hurt and nothing really makes sense in his head. He wants to go to bed and snuggle up against Sherlock and just forget about everything for a while but he can’t. Maybe Sherlock will figure out that John knows that they aren’t dreams, but he wants to keep up appearances. 

What if Sherlock would stop visiting now and then if he finds out that John knows? John doesn’t want to risk it because getting to see Sherlock every few months is literally like a dream come true. He can be angry at Sherlock when he really turns up from the dead. Until then, John wants to treasure every moment he can get. Perhaps he should stop with the kissing and cuddling, though; it’s not the same now. 

John stretches out on the sofa and opens his book, placing it on his chest. His body will be stiff and sore in the morning but it’ll be worth the extra pain. If Sherlock can starve and stay awake for such a long time that his body is on the verge of shutting down, John can bear the discomfort of sleeping on the sofa if it can somehow give Sherlock some rest. 

In the morning, there’s absolutely no sign of Sherlock. John’s bed is exactly like it was before Sherlock slept in it, and there are no signs of dirty clothes. This day is a little easier to bear but John is still in grief. Every day is another day he could have spent with Sherlock. He wonders who will be there to make sure that Sherlock doesn’t actually wind up dead. When John closes his eyes, he can still see what Sherlock looked like with blood all over his face. The empty eyes. He never wants that to happen again.

**Author's Note:**

> I know that logically John would've probably figured out that it wasn't a dream already the first time but my initial plan was for them to be actual dreams. Please indulge me in this matter.


End file.
